Time Lords with Hats 2
by Madame Seabush
Summary: The Time Lords are back, in another hat-filled adventure! AU. Crack.


**Author Notes**: Well, they made another video (_Llamas with Hats 2, go watch it nao_), so it was only logical I write another crackfic. Just a bit of fun, if you don't like it, don't read it D:! :D

**Acknowledgments**: Casey, for being a MACHINE at editing and overall, Lord of the Dance.

* * *

As the two stood in a flimsy lifeboat with the distant rumbling of a cruise ship ablaze, there was nothing but silence between them. The Doctor had contemplated a way to start the conversation, but it had eluded him. The Master, it seemed, wasn't bothered at all. Admittedly, when was he ever? But it was still unnerving.

After much deliberation, he decided to speak up, wanting to help him but at the same time, ease some of his own discomfort. "Master, what on earth was all that?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to," The Master dismissed with an air of disinterest, staring out to sea, the gentle waves lapping at the sides of their life boat.

Looking at his counterpart in disbelief, the Doctor's eyes could only widen before he scowled. "You sunk an entire cruise ship, Master!"

The Master raised his brow in a halfhearted interest, finally looking over at the other as he simmered in a silent frustration, "Are you sure that was me? …cause I think I'd remember something like that."

With a sigh, the Doctor pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes. "Master, I watched you fire a harpoon into the Captain's face…"

Alright, so he had him there. But at the time, it hadn't really seemed like such a big issue, so he couldn't say that was entirely his fault. "That sounds dangerous" He said in agreement but not in admission.

Shocked and unimpressed by the response he had received, the Doctor gaped. "You were head butting children off the side of the ship!" he exclaimed, having a hard time believing his own words. The entire situation was absurd.

The Master, however, remained unfazed by his counterparts' frustrations. "That must have been horrifying to watch," there was no sympathy in his tone or gaze, yet he somehow managed a patronizing empathy.

The Doctor's voice rose in pitch as he worked himself up. "You started making out with the ice sculptures!" But there was just a hint of uncertainty in his tone. Making out with ice sculptures did seem to be taking it a bit too far.

"Well, thank _god_ that the children weren't on board to see it." Speaking with his first display of conviction, funnily enough, sounded like the voice of reason in an otherwise unreasonable situation.

Sighing and looking downward, he was suddenly struck by a new problem, the new problem being the red liquid sticking to the bottom of his trainers. With a mild disgust at first, then concern, he looked up with a worried, apprehensive stare. "…Uh, Master… Why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

Raising his brow in surprise and intrigue, "Well, I guess you _could_ say it was red and sticky," the Master attempted to avoid the question. It was pointless banter to him and if the Doctor had been paying attention, he would have been able to answer a majority of these questions himself without having to bother him.

The Doctor, used to the Masters ability to steer clear of any question he didn't want to answer, sighed and rephrased a more direct inquiry, "…Master, what are we standing in?" Part of him knew what it was, but part of him just didn't want to know. He hoped that he could be given an alternative he could believe… but he doubted it.

The Master however, chose to take it everything but seriously. "Would you believe that it's strawberry milkshake?" he asked, optimistically. He had seen his counterpart buy into more outrageous things before, so to believe that a large pool of blood at the bottom of a lifeboat was strawberry milkshake… Yeah… that didn't seem like something the Doctor would doubt immediately.

Frowning and hardening his jaw, the Doctor looked as if he were disapproving the behavior of an ill-tempered child. "_No_. I would not believe that." He informed, his voice almost warning, but the Master was not discouraged.

"Melted gumdrops…?" the Master offered.

"No."

"_Boat nectar_" he tried again, becoming theatrical in his delivery for added effect.

"_No_," said the Doctor, mirroring the other's emphasis.

Tilting his head just slightly with a curious confidence, "Some of Gods tears?"

Fed up, the Doctor snapped, "_Tell me the truth, Master_!" features sharp with anger.

"Fine!" The Time Lord gave into the unbearable persistence with an air of annoyance and frustration, having to settle himself before being able to confess. "… It's the lovely elderly couple from 2B."

"_Master_!" The Doctor gasped.

"Well. They were taking all the croissants." It was a perfectly legitimate reason and he thought the Doctor of all people would be able to see that. Crescent rolls were most commonly known for their pleasant, buttery, flaky texture and if you were going to keep that sort of perfection to yourself, you couldn't be a good person.

Stunned silence met his ears, and the Master decided it was only fair that he gave him a moment to process the information he was being given. Any moment now…

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

_There_ we go.

"I will not apologise for _art_," he stated, finding there to be an odd calming which came with the mixture of crimson against yellow. Furthermore, self expression was pinnacle to his character.

It was only after this obscure comment that he focused on the empty sea, save for the burning ship, he was struck by the memory of helpless people clambering to their lifeboats and yet saw none on the open water. Dread swirled in his stomach like ice. "…Where are the other lifeboats?"

The Master exhaled, "Whoa, you won the prize, I didn't even notice that," his comment dripping with sarcasm, and yet, there was always just enough room to speculate whether or not he was being sarcastic… or serious. It came with the perks of being mad.

"…Where are the other lifeboats, Master?" The Doctor demanded, coldly, but the dark Time Lord could sense the underlying concern in his eyes. Oh, his pretty human companions, how he loved them so very, very much.

"…Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean," he began, looking skyward as if he were deriving the answers from the constellations, of which weren't even visible. Truth was, he was just messing with him and he was sure the Doctor knew this, "…I bit lots of holes in them." He confessed lightheartedly.

"_Master_!" The Doctor gasped,

The Master nodded, his tone not unlike a man at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, introducing himself as a user but not quite taking it seriously, "…I have a problem. I have a serious problem."

"You are just… _terrible_ today!" The flustered Time Lord chided, pursing his lips like a disapproving girlfriend.

It didn't go unnoticed.

"_Shh_." The Master leant in close, capturing the Time Lords gaze with his, encapsulating his attention completely. "…Do you hear that?" though he gave him no room to respond,"That's the sound of forgiveness."

Unimpressed, the Doctor stood unwavering, his expression critical as he kept his eyes on him, tired of the Masters games. "That's the sound of people drowning, Master."

"That. Is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence." He smiled pleasantly, his eyes distant.


End file.
